My television, oddly enough I remember my television, had turned to snow. Maybe it always does that at 3 o'clock in the a.m. No, not channel 57. Channel 57 turns into the Late Nite Bargain Hunters Super Discount Outlet Shopping Channel. I remember because right before that I was watching a show about Alien Abductions. Odd as that may seem, it's true. The honest to goodness truth! Check yesterdays television listings if you don't believe it. But like I was saying, it happened last night while I was asleep. Deep Asleep. Alien Abductions: True Experiences on channel 57 ended at 11:45 p.m. The Late Nite Bargain Hunters Super Discount Outlet Shopping Channel was already in progress. Uncle Abner was hocking 'Uncle Abners' realistic lifesize Alien Anal Probe replica. Just like the one those damn aliens used on Uncle Abner back in '73. He had just got home from the 'Nam war. Thats when they took him. He says the details are sketchy... but they implanted some type of homing device with the Anal Probe. The doctors removed it about six months later when it burst inside his appendix. The doctors said it was a regular appendicitis, but uncle Abner says different. I don't know about uncle Abner, but I know about Alien Abductions. I know because it happened last night when I was asleep. Deep Asleep.

First there was a light. A bright light. And yes, yes there were Aliens. Not those freightening hollywood style movie Aliens. No, more like Angelic Figures. Outlines of bodies with oversized heads. Not repulsive, not attractive, just Alien. They spoke an unintelligable language - yet I understood every word. In fact I recall the entire dialogue - which amazes me as it happened last night while I was asleep. Deep Asleep. The Aliens implanted a sphere under the gastrocnemius muscle of my left leg. It looks like a glass marble. If I try to have it removed it will splinter into over five million particles and penetrate my heart. I remember being told that. It's one of the most important things the Aliens told me. I cannot have it removed. I need to tell you that because you will probably encourage me to have it removed, but I cannot, that's the most important thing I remember as it happened last night when I was asleep. Deep Asleep.

The Aliens said the sphere contains an antidote. THE Antidote. The one serum that cures Athlete's foot, baldness, obesity, cancer and AIDS. It's the 21st century miracle serum. It cannot be removed. The really bad thing is that it has an expiration date. It expires the exact moment my soul leaves my body. The Aliens know that moment because it's enscripted into your genetic code. Aliens can read human genetic code. They've been doing it for years. The sphere was NOT placed in my leg as a homing device. The Aliens know where I am. The serum will protect me from almost anything. Anything but removal of the sphere. Aliens like me, Aliens like most humans. Thats why some humans receive the sphere. Only a few will remember it. The serum will alter the human genetic code as it is passed to the offspring. It will save the human race. It will be passed on through generations as a super immunity booster. The Aliens mainly observe human behavior. They only intercede to help humans survive.

I feel much better about Aliens now. The Aliens like most humans, and yes the Aliens loved Elvis. I remember asking them about that, which is amazing. As it happened last night while I was asleep. Deep Asleep.